Leaves

It's almost Halloween, the weather is cool and the wind is swirling leaves around in a dance that could mesmerize a patient observer. As I was commuting to the office today, I was amused by what I observed while stopped at a traffic light. As I sat at the light, there was that period of time when traffic from all directions are looking at a red light designed to clear the intersection of the people that use the yellow light as a personal challenge. While all the traffic was stopped, I noticed the wind was blowing a generous grouping of brightly colored leaves in one direction across the intersection right along the pavement. They appeared to be miniature cars caught up in rush hour traffic. I could imagine all the little leaves on their way to work, putting in a long day, but then the end of their day would be spent in those delightful dances that lift them up in flight and freedom. When the light turned green and the numerous array of different colored vehicles continued their march onward into the day, I hoped that at the end of the day, each of them would take the time to dance. Go ahead. You deserve it. Dance like no one is watching! I'm dancing right now!

Perceptions

Have you ever wondered how someone can perceive something so differently than you? For example, eye witnesses to crimes seldom agree about what they saw. Or, you and your spouse disagree on what your mother-in-law meant by that remark that had you ready to cut the evening short. We take in information with all five senses but something happens to the information in our brain that causes it to become attached to a certain meaning that may not match that of the other person with whom we are communicating. This "thing" that happens in our brain is primed by what has happened previously in the relationship. If the relationship has been stressed, it is quite common for one or both communicators to attach a negative spin to the information they receive even if the exchange was neutral (non-confrontational). According to John Gottman, this is called "negative sentiment override." When a person is in "negative sentiment override" they perceive words, body language, and actions by the other person in a negative way often misreading the actual intentions of the communication partner. This "misreading" of information leads to a cycle of more stress and less willingness to make repairs in the relationship. I encourage you to examine your stressful relationships and consider how much information you may be misreading because of hurt feelings or perceived wrongs. If you can, stop the cycle from escalating and try to repair the relationship. Good luck.